Birthday week is now officially over. I’m declaring that for myself. It’s been fun and there have been many nice, and some not-so-nice surprises for me this year. One thing that I absolutely need is a detox period of sorts... not only from all the beer I’ve been consuming lately but also the roller coaster of highs and lows that have made my day-to-days a maudlin mess of manias. There are petty situations with petty people that I have allowed to consume too much of my time. And there are real tragedies of my own making I have allowed to unravel all over close friends that I haven’t paid enough attention to.
You lose yourself and your perspective at times.
An unexpected thing happened in the middle of all this self absorbed flagellation. I had a conversation with a casual acquaintance that changed a fundamental belief I have been holding on to for many years now: kids?
Dave and I are now in our 19th year together. I have spent my entire adult life here in Philadelphia, living in the same 10 block radius. I wouldn’t change anything I have done, the people I have met, the jobs I have had (well, perhaps one or two) or the decisions I have made in my time here. But as I have been talking about in other posts on this site recently there are many changes happening to us this year. We’re about to move to a very different environment, change our jobs, our day-to-day existences and perhaps even our outlook on life. And for the first time I have honestly said to myself, “You know, I can see us having kids now...” Why now? That’s the thing that was really surprising. Sure, our work lives have changed - Dave is no longer doing an insane commute to NYC every day and for the first time we are actually spending more than 20% of our waking time together. You might be able to say it’s a parenting instinct kicking in? Or it’s simply a case of waking up in the morning and feeling empty. “What is the first thing you think of after you wake up every day?” I was asked as I sat in the Westbury Bar last Thursday night. “Usually some stupid bullshit or petty drama that I would have to deal with that day” was all I could muster. Lately I’ve been beating myself up about a lot of things that are completely out of my control... and completely unnecessary, so that was actually the first thing that came to mind for me, but I didn’t say that. “The first thing I always think about is my one year old son,” my drinking compatriot said, “and it’s completely changed my life.” I looked at him and I understood what he was talking about. And it was strange. It was really, really strange. I texted Dave in London shortly after that and said something about it all... to which he replied, “You’ve obviously been drinking, but we’ll talk more about this...” At least my partner knows me well.
Who knows what our life will be like in New Orleans next year. We have a vague idea as to what we would like, there are too many variables. I’ve always been the limiting factor on children though. Dave talked about them for years, until I think he eventually gave up. And it wasn’t something that hadn’t crossed my mind. I’d like kids, sure... but I know what a selfish bastard I am about so many things... “I could never do that to a child” I used to say. So what’s changed? Maybe it’s me that’s changed. A very good friend recently told me “I hope you’ll be able to find some answers in your own life... you’re searching for something...” He has no idea how correct he was with that statement. Well, actually he probably does, there is a reason I consider him such a good friend. Unfortunately I hurt him a great deal in a rather selfish adventure I was on... and I miss his presence in my life. It’s strange how these things affect us and how threads of one part of our selves get bound to others. You live and you learn. Cliché, right? You have to realize it’s happening though... that’s the key.
It’s been said we create our own realities through our dreams, desires and drives. And if it hasn’t been said I’m saying it now. It’s tough to figure it all out though. And I suppose there is a timing factor too. I feel like I'm on a train platform waiting, but I understand the schedule a hell of a lot better than I ever have before.
