Things You Have Always Wondered About

Bananas? You're kidding, right?

There are many polarizing things in this world: abortion, gun advocacy, Hillary Clinton, assorted films by Jim Carey... but all of those things pale in comparison to one thing in my mind.

So in honor of the Democratic (and Republican) national conventions this week and next I have decided to rant about something that is as distasteful as politics, especially "Election 2008", that chewy, dry, nasty confection that for some reason or another some people just can't say no to ... no, not George W.... the Circus Peanut.

It's orange, it's dry, it looks like a big piece of pre-chewed gum. The taste? The taste is apparently banana, but until I read that while doing research on the history of the circus peanut I wouldn't have EVER guessed that. That's supposed to be banana? Oh that's right, and those little baby aspirin are supposed to taste like orange too. Nice.

Anyway, the circus peanut: it's been around for a while. Confections resembling what we now love/hate date back to the 1800's when they were sold as penny candy. I can't imagine purchasing a gooey-nasty thing like that on a hot summer day, but then again, look at all the people who think fudge is the perfect hot weather treat!? Until the advent of plastic packaging these 'peanuts' weren't widely available year round, but then voila! Fast forward a hundred or so years and <insert stupid historical fact courtesy of Wikipedia> In 1963, General Mills vice president John Holahan inventively discovered that Circus Peanuts shavings yielded a tasty enhancement to his breakfast cereal. General Mills formalized the innovation and created Lucky Charms, the first breakfast cereal to contain marshmallow bits (or "marbits").</insert stupid historical fact courtesy of Wikipedia>

So we have that guy to thank for all those friggin' cereals with marshmallows in them? Bleah. Why not gumballs, or chocolate chips? Oh yes, breakfast cereal has to be 'nutritious', so we fortify it with 8 or more essential vitamins and minerals. I have an idea, stick a handful of Flintstone's vitamins in a pile of dog shit and call it nutritious. There, I'm an exec at General Mills now. Imagine the hilarious Saturday morning commercials that could be paired with THAT cereal. Picture this... a fanciful leprechaun is pursued by maniacal children to the ends of earth, resulting in his eventual psychotic breakdown. Wait, that's been done.

Dead Man's Wabbit

The Terracotta Army was buried with the Emperor of Qin (Qin Shi Huangdi) in 209-210 BC (his reign over Qin was from 247 BC to 221 BC and unified China221 BC to the end of his life in 210 BC). Their purpose was to help rule another empire with Shi Huangdi in the afterlife. Consequently, they are also sometimes referred to as "Qin's Armies". Some people think that the army was also built for protection.

The regiment of terracotta rabbits is often referred to as "Qin's Cotton Tails" and is one of the most hotly contested sub-groupings in the overall archeological find. What was their real purpose? Scholars and academicians cannot agree. Were they simply included as an ample supply of lawn and garden ornamentation for the afterlife?

Lies, Lies, LIES!

"Santa, Santa, Santa... It's always Santa!"
-- Jan Brady, sort of.

I remember that moment in my childhood that I came to the horrible conclusion: "There IS no Santa Claus!" I had been getting the run-around from my parents and siblings, who were all much older than me, as to the whole 'mechanics of the situation' problem. You know, the 'around the world in a night', 'down the chimney' stuff, that in and of itself wouldn't have tipped the scales, but you know what did? It was the story of Rudolf, that in my child's mind was somehow twisted into a tale of co-dependency and seasonal compulsion .... ultimately culminating in my six-year-old opinion: "This is bullshit, they're all lying to me...." Paranoid? Maybe.

And Wherever I Go It's Amazing To Know...

I was a sophomore in high school in 1985. The 80's were a strange time to grow up. It seemed MTV ruled everything. There wasn't a facet of pop culture that wasn't influenced by its reach. VJs Martha Quinn, J.J. Jackson, Nina Blackwood and the rest weren't exactly iconoclasts in their own right, but they did have a defining influence on what was to be a revolution in music, culture and of course, BAD clothing and hairstyles. My taste in music back then wasn't as broad as it is today, but I also wasn't simply limited to whatever was being forced on me by radio and cable TV. There was a lot of music that defined that period for me. It was 1985, Reagan had just been elected for a second term, Gorbachev was just ascending in the U.S.S.R, Madonna was taking the Virgin tour on the road, Live Aid made history and played around the world, and right in the middle of it all, a band named 'The Hooters' opened the Philadelphia show at JFK Stadium in South Philly.

Just Say "NO! Don't DO IT!"

A man walks into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I've got a problem..." The doctor asks, "What's wrong?" The man says, "It hurts when I do this...." The doctor looks at him and says, "well... don't do that..." and walks out.

I have a question. Is the following headline really ALL that surprising? 'Report: Abstinence Programs Don't Work ' - AP November 8, 2007

Don't get me wrong, the pragmatic way to deal with any problem IS to not do what is problematic.

For example: You are a smoker, stop smoking; You are a gambler, stop gambling; You have terminal cancer and have less than 6 months to live, stop having cancer; You invade a sovereign nation and fuck everything up unbelievably, destabilizing the entire region, fomenting hatred for your citizens and dashing your previous good standing in the world on the rocks for decades to come, pretend everything is going great!

See, it quickly falls apart.

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