Holly Jolly, Bahoo Dorey, and all that. It's 'Black Friday' and we find ourselves once more at the beginning of the Christmas rush. The madness. The mania. The wrapping paper, sugar-coated, tinsel twinkling hell of it all. And as I was sorting through the junk mail on our couch I came across a PERFECT example of all that is NOT holy about this time of year: the Christmas TOY catalog. This however was not the JCPenney 'wishbook' of our childhoods, this was the creme de la creme of all toy catalogs... the FAO Schwarz Holiday 2007 catalog. What child wouldn't immediately go into seizures upon leafing through this holy grail of all 'wish books?' I know I did. But as I was leafing through it, between the grand and petit mals, I noticed something and thought, "what the $%&@ Who comes up with this stuff?" Now don't get me wrong, I love toys (not necessarily children) and have always marveled at the sheer stupidity of toy manufacturers, not to mention the sheer stupidity of parents all across America who BUY this crap!
Take for example the... whatever it is on the front cover of the magazine. (The green thing, not the child) What exactly is that? The first thing that came to mind for me was, "the love-child of Kermit the Frog and Heat Miser." Seriously, the whole, "let's design little stuffed animals that are ugly, sometimes hideous, therefore evoking pity in our children" idea is a little tired. Pity for... oh whatever. They're CUTE! I guess. Obviously the little boy on the cover of the catalog is rapt by the sight of his little green buddy. Just look at the expression on his face! It's somewhat unnerving. I can hear him muttering under his breath, "...and I will love him and pet him and stroke him and never have to feed him... George?"
Opening the catalog I was bombarded by the reds, the greens and all that is CHRISTMAS! Dolls depicting Rockettes, ballerinas, bears, Santas, etc. But this one caught my eye: I don't remember reading about Eloise when I was little, but whoever she is, I HAVE to party with her. Just look at the expression on her face! And she's collapsed on the ground in a drunken stupor! Obviously Christmas means a little nip 'o this, a little nip 'o that for Eloise! I remember those days, cheers!
Of course there were all kinds of 'construction equipment' toys for the little guys: little John Deere tractors, front loaders with back-hos, jack hammers, even a little hard hat. Scooters, bikes and the such are all in abundance. But LOOK! That chick is stylin' in her tiny pink caddie. "A padded seat and rubber tires give the little lady a smooth ride. Pedal position adjusts as she grows!" reads the description. Just think, you buy this for her when she's 3 and by the time she graduates from high school she will have been set for 15 years already! Damn. I'm not sure this is what Aretha was singing about, but it will do.
I continued through the book and amid the ooohs, and ahhhs, I came across something 'worthwhile.' I say that in quotes because I'm sure the manufacturers truly believe (NOT) that it's good to give to charities. These dolls are from around the world! These dolls "...give the girl in your life play with a purpose... they expand her world and her heart!" But then I noticed something strange. I'm sure many little girls in Mexico are named "Pita", so I guess it's all right. But I think perhaps FAO Schwarz got a little confused with Gia and Wan Ling. Gia doesn't exactly LOOK Italian. And Wan Ling doesn't really LOOK Chinese. Maybe it's supposed to teach cross-cultural awareness... or perhaps they were adopted. Remember, this IS the FAO Schwarz catalog after all. They know what kids WANT and NEED in their lives to be happy and complete.
If one word captures the frenzy of toy buying and collecting over the past thirty years it's (ok, two words) "Star Wars." Anyone younger than say, 40 can fondly remember the plethora of action figures, ships, games, cards, legos and a THOUSAND other plastic bits and pieces that, upon purchased, bankrolled George Lucas' kids college educations. Over and over and over again. Lucas is a smart man, no doubt. He kept tight control over all the merchandising rights from the very beginning. And we LOVE him for it. I can't wait to get my hands on some of these solid pewter figurines. And next year there will be the same set available, but in solid GOLD. Then, the next year after that, there will be a new set, from another one of the movies, perhaps in solid platinum, or maybe solid bullshit! Come on people, Georgie needs a new pair of shoes!
The year is 2007. Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Rah Rah RAH!. Yes folks, J.K. Rowling has forever changed the course of history with the Potter phenomena. What better way to get caught up in the frenzy than to go completely Star Wars on it? Buy everything even remotely related to Harry, Hogwarts, even He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Named. (I know I enjoy MY Carl Rove action figure! He reigns supreme in the hidden basement room of Barbie's Dreamhouse. "It puts the lotion on its skin!, Skipper!") Ahem, anyway... I digress... The HP toys are definitely targeted to a more sophisticated crowd than say, Gia, Pita and Wan Ling, if that's what their REAL names are. Just look at the features of some of these amazing Potter toys! The engine really smokes, with 'Real Smoke.' The 18" action figure of Harry really talks! I hope he says more than, "I talk." My favorite though is the very dapper action figure of Voldemort, whoops I said "it." Perhaps he spouts off things like, "I'll KILL you, little girl!" or "I'm going to torture you within an inch of your pathetic muggle life!" That would be great; I'd definitely buy it.
Granted, the toy industry is a strange beast. Children's taste in toys are even stranger. I had my share of bizarre things when I was young, although I generally tended to wind up with my Lincoln Logs and blocks, sometimes the legos, and when I got bored I would take appliances apart. All right, I'll finally admit it Mom & Dad, it wasn't really lightning that blew out the left channel on the tv and stereo all those years ago, it was me. And yes, I was the one who rewired the stereo so that it would work in mono, so that mystery can be put to rest. Maybe I should have just stuck to playing with all the wonderful toys that would have stirred my imagination like the ones mentioned above. Nah. Although I AM fascinated by this thing... I still can figure out what the hell it's supposed to be!
Happy Holidays!
